Shouldy Thinking
Blog posts have been sparse since I took a new role as CEO of Scribe Media, helping people write and publish books. Now one year in, I’m getting time to start writing again!
AI art by Midjourney
Many of our thoughts start with a desire. A ‘should.’ I call this Shouldy Thinking.
Shouldy Thinking leads to unhappy thoughts, bad decisions, and a life of despair.
Shouldy thinking starts from a premise of:
“_____ should happen”
“I should get ________”
“She should get _____”
“______ should work this way”
Ignorance is blindness to context. There’s no better way to miss context than to start with a desired outcome rather than a thorough understanding of the options.
We are rationalizing creatures. We can come up with ways to justify almost any thought. So, when we start with a ‘should’ we will create solid, valid (to us) reasons for our should.
When you Should, you start with something completely independent of truth. You start with desire.
Then you suddenly find reasons WHY your desire should be fulfilled.
These reasons may or may not have anything to do with reality, or the likely outcomes.
Some Shouldy Thinking starts with pure selfishness. With a desire.
But a lot of Shouldy Thinking is driven by concern for how others are perceiving us. We express a "Should" out loud as a way to show alignment and virtue. This is a cheap, low-risk way to appear good to others, and endear them to you.
“Yeah, your boss should pay you more”
“Yeah, that guy should call you back.”
“Yeah, the government should give out more money.”
No one wants to break the hard truth to a friend about their value at work, or their economic policy ideas.
Everyone wants to feel they deserve more. Everyone's friends tell them they do deserve more. People start to believe ‘I deserve more’ as a fact of life. This is the path to unhappy thoughts, bad decisions, and a life of despair.
Shouldy Thinking fails because it doesn't start with the reality of the situation. What are the actual options?
Don’t start your thinking with "what do I wish were true?"
Start with these questions instead:
“What is possible?”
“What resources are available, where are they?”
“What would happen after this action? And the next?”
It's so easy to see other people shoulding, and so hard to catch ourselves at it. Let the word ‘should’ indicate Shouldy Thinking. When you catch a whiff of ‘should’ keep it far away from your eyes, ears, and nose, and definitely don’t let it come out of your mouth.
It’s unsanitary thinking. And it leads to unhappy thoughts, bad decisions, and a life of despair.